Article 2: Poems on Intergenerational Traumas

Nateshia Constant-Personius

Poem 1

Take me back

I am trying to sleep, it is quiet
Something drops, boom!! What is it
The sound takes me back
Just for a few
That sound of that racket
But, who knew, boom!
I am back, back in that place
I cry and cry because of that hit
I fight my mind more and some more
I run, I hide and from the door,
Boom
That sound
That crash hit
I cannot forget
Those seconds are over, I am back again
I go and check
I tell myself over and over you are safe here
It was a pot that fell on the floor
Breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4
I tell myself it is nothing more
It is so sad that it is just noise, that simple noise
That noise, boom!! It brings me back
Back in a flash
I do not want it to last
That sound is now all too fluent
I get trapped in a moment
Why do I still have to go through it?
Many years later it’s still here just stop it!!
You broke me at my lowest moment
Now my mind is my only opponent.

Poem 2

Lost

You ever feel your emotions within
That emotion hurts so substantially
You can feel your heartbreak
Sensation as if it was leaking
From that driven stake
Spewing blood from the heartache
Dripping emotions, drip, drip
Similar to a drippy faucet
Your mind has split because you get lost
The oozing sensation seems to be melting away
Your mind overflowing seems to be tipping
Crashing over like a lake wake
Boiling, and cooking inside and out
Your head is filled with nothing but self-doubt
The numbness that follows
And crept in
Body and mind broken
Living the perception of a heart sunk in
Outside you look like a dead living zombie
Living in a daze, from all the haze
Slowly denigrating this happens abruptly
On a path with endless destruction
Your reflex lost its function
You feel your body bruised and berated
Left with a view that is underestimated
The unconscious feeling of being emotionally dead
Destruction is the path where you are led
I know that’s called a walking zombie
A numb zombie you will be.
That’s what is known as Intergenerational Trauma.

Poem 3

The cycle ends with me-e-e

Intergenerational trauma is like a living human being
It eats at your integrity
And well-being
It scars you for life and it feels like your worse dream
The trauma is a horrendous disease
It passes and grows vigorously
It contaminates everything with corrosion and infection
It is also hereditary
And passes through our genes
It sucks living with secrets
But this is my reality
This is what intergenerational trauma did to me
Not from one, two or three and even the many
Colonizers created a cycle that demolished the free
I am the girl who grew up on the reserve
I was also the one that was bullied
I am the girl whom you abused in every way, to hurt me
I am the girl who turned to drugs for relief
I am the girl who awakes from my sleep, from my own shriek
Screaming and pleading because you would not let me be
I hide my feelings in bottomless drinks
It made me feel numb from my head to my feet
I am the girl you gave PTSD
It sucks I can not sleep
I wish it was never in graved among the Cree
Suicide is not new to me
When we tell and speak our stories
It hits and we feel the familiarity
You did this, all to make a newfound country
Now, the trauma controls me
And the people like me

The trauma makes me feel depleted
I hide with hatred and this is not me
Most days I want to run and flee
Some people I met only briefly
I see others who have it so easy
Sometimes I fill with envy
But I am ready to find peace
And to release my pain
I am freeing myself from hatred because that is not me
I fighting to beat the cycle
I hope you all see
I wonder if you now think you know me
I hope my story does not help you judge me
But is that really me
I was that girl you know only briefly
I am a mother of many
My kids bring me nothing but joy
We are ready to be steady
My heart fills with love when I see them smiley
They laugh and play so happily
I am breaking the cycle and I know it will end with me
I am educated from college and university
I am a new girl who shows bravery
I learnt from my mistakes even though they are heavy
My wonder is full of curiosity
I wish for the cycle to never surpass me
I am the girl through a glass you often see
But what you see does not define me
I was that girl as you thought ever so briefly
I leave you with a message that should not be taken lightly
We are all like leaves ever so green

We are the bright leaves that drift when it is windy
Throughout the monstrous weather indeed
We also wither when it is sunny
We fall slowly to the bottom of the tree
We grow again from our debris
We are not weak and it is our story
But soon we will rise from the debris
Remember to stay away from the bad weeds
It is not the end we are freed
From being restricted
We are now lifted
It is our time to turn a new leaf
And a new tree
There is no end to what you could be
We grow in everything so beautifully
Again, and again we will rise for thee

Instructor’s Remark:

Nateshia Constant-Personius is a frequent contributor to Muses from the North: she has published two poems and two interviews. “The Sorrow for Our Future Generations” was published in the 8th volume, and “We are not Numbers” were published in the 10th issue together with her interviews with Day School survivors. Her poems speak directly to the readers about her thought about her culture, her people, and her land. Her interviews have taken the readers to the day school survivors’ traumas as well as their efforts to make their life better. In The 7th annual Truth & Reconciliation Gathering Conference held in The Pas, Manitoba, on March 8 & 9, 2023, Nateshia’s speech touched the heart of the audience. While Nateshia’s poem series, “Integrational Traumas,” use imagery to appeal to the audience’s senses and imagination of how the speaker suffers from the hereditary disease of intergenerational trauma, it also reaffirms the speaker’s determination to build a better life for her children and people. As an editor, I see Nateshia’s growth during her UCN days: from a shy Cree student to a Northern muse with artistic inspiration and eloquence of speech. I am very proud of Nateshia, a young Cree poet. I firmly believe that Nateshia will be an excellent teacher for the Opaskwayak Cree Nation and for the public schools as well. Nateshia is graduating from UCN with a Bachelor of Education. Please see page 137 for her bio. (Dr. Ying Kong)